"To hold space for someone" have your heard this phrase recently? If you tune into media then odds are you have. Author Glennon Doyle talks about "holding space for hard things" and Zoe Saldana uses the phrase in her instagram posts. It's floating around everywhere but what does this phrase actually mean? Where did it come from and why are we hearing it so much these days?
Holding Space: What
According to Psychology Today the term "holding space" first became popular through Heather Plett, a Canadian writer and facilitator. (Those Canadians do seem to do relationships well, don't they?) Plett described holding space as"being willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they're on, without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact their outcome. (from Plett's blog post in 2015). I haven't met a human who didn't want to be treated that way though I've rarely met one who could voice this desire. It sounds like such a natural healthy relationship requirement, yet so few of us are familiar with the relationship technique or just how difficult it can be to execute.
Holding Space: Why
"Holding Space for someone" means to be present and fully attentive to the person without judgment, allowing them to share themselves freely. So important! When we hold space for another person we are creating a truly supportive environment for emotional sharing and growth. I was first introduced to the concept through my education at Metagem for spiritual companioning then while training for crisis counseling we delved deep into all the intricacies of navigating a conversation in an attempt to hold space - to help our contact explore their emotions and situations without feeling rushed or invalidated. It turns out this technique is often used in the context of supporting someone during difficult or challenging times and since training I have found it an invaluable skill that has enhanced my relationships from my partner, to my children, to the grocery store clerk and neighborhood barista. It is truly a game changer.
Holding Space: How
To develop a practice of holding space we practice active listening, empathy, and restraint from holding judgments or giving solutions. Here are a few key parts of holding space:
Give the person your FULL attention. Put the phone on silent and put it away. Practice good eye contact and face them with your body if you can. This is a time to make them the center of your awareness. Just practicing this attention is a tremendous start in communicating that for this part of your day - you are caring about them. It's not about you, it's about them so put yourself to the side for a moment.
Practice Non-judgement. This is harder than it sounds. No one wants to share their vulnerabilities, their hurts or fears if their listener is there for the purpose of "setting them straight." In a culture of fixers it's hard to put this aside. Notice your body language, refrain from commenting in any way that could be seen as minimizing their experience and watch out for dismissive responses. Some of us grew up hearing little replies like, "Oh, it'll be better in the morning."or "It could have been like...." watch out for the dreaded "At least...." sentences.
Practice Wonder can be a great help in avoiding judgement. When you find yourself making little evaluations, comparison or judgements in your head switch the script and turn to wonder: "I wonder what it was like for them when this happened? I wonder why (what they said) is bothering me? I wonder...
Practice Active Listening active listening means reflecting on what's said, avoiding interruptions and reflecting back carefully, when helpful on what the person has said. Body language plays a large role in conveying our active listening.
Empathize. Like Harper Lee put it, try to "put on the other persons skin and walk around in it for a while." Listen to their inflection, watch their facial expressions and body language. What emotions do you imagine they are they experiencing? What is their perspective? Take it for a bit while you're in this space.
When we hold space for someone, we create a forum where they can feel safer. Think of a time when you were in a vulnerable position. What did you feel like in that moment? What did you need? Advice and problem solving? Instructions or opinions (judgements)? If you're anything like me, you probably just needed someone to be with you, to witness. Being with someone often is the most valuable thing we can do. Sitting with others in loving witness and support can create a sense of being seen, understood, and loved. Save the fixing for later... if you're asked. Holding space helps us feel less alone and when we're not alone we're stronger, anything seems possible.
Canadians are the secret sauce. - RS