How many emotions can you name in 30 seconds? Go! How many did you get? Did you know that our ability to empathize (the act of understanding and sharing the feelings of another) with others is strongly correlated to how many emotions we're able to name and recognize?
In surveys taken by 7,000 people over five years, Brené Brown and her team found that on average Americans can identify only three emotions as they are actually feeling them: happiness, sadness and anger.
That's it... THREE! In Brené Brown's book, Atlas of the Heart she identifies six primary emotions, Joy, Surprise, Fear, Anger, Disgust and Sad. From these six primary emotions are 87 variations of emotional experiences. Each unique emotion gives us hints as to how our minds and bodies have processed and are processing the world around us. I crave that kind of self knowledge!
We are emotional beings. In psychology, emotion is often defined as a complex state of feeling that results in physical and psychological changes that influence thought and behavior. As humans we are always in some sort of an emotional state. I used to think this wasn't the case but I've learned that even when I'm feeling nothing... apathetic - well... that's an emotion too (spoiler alert apathetic is under the sad category of emotions).
Emotionality effects our temperament, personality, mood, and motivation. Ever since learning that tidbit I've worked to understand my emotions better and I am excited to share some resources that have helped me to understand mine better. Understanding our emotions is an important part of learning about ourselves.
1. The Feeling Wheel
This is a feeling wheel and it has saved my relationships more than once. I also give it a lot of credit for helping me maintain an honest and vulnerable relationship with my kids. The feeling wheel has been an important aid to understanding more about myself and my loved ones. This specific wheel is one of my favorites, courtesy of Eddins Counseling. This feeling wheel is based on Marshall Rosenberg's life changing book Nonviolent Communication. What I love about this wheel is that it differentiates feelings from perceptions (awareness of and interpretation of external events). This is really helpful because my perception is not always reality. I think we all can relate to that.
I keep print outs of feeling wheel's all over my house. If there isn't one in the room it's not far away! When conflict arises or we're wanting to connect I can easily pull out the feeling wheel and ask, "What feelings are going on inside?" The answer always leads to better understanding and usually leads to empathy as well; and when we can empathize we're all just way kinder humans to others.
Download a PDF of Eddin's Feeling Wheel and an Feeling Words List by clicking here.
2. Journaling
“Journals are like a checkpoint between your emotions and the world,” says clinical psychologist Beth Jacobs, Ph.D. I have been journaling on and off throughout my life and for the last 10 years it's been a core spiritual practice. My journal is a combination of logging my day's activities and whatever is on my mind and heart.
One big lesson I've learned about the practice is how important it is to journal without judgement. What I mean by this is to write like nobody is reading. I originally struggled with journaling, worried about the quality of my writing. A mentor told me once that she writes on the first page of her journal. "Private Journal, DO NOT read this unless you want to be exposed to unfiltered me." That disclaimer idea gave me a laugh and also the courage to start pouring out my inner thoughts with less self-criticism and insecurity. I could doodle, I could even let the profanity flow like a river. My journaling could be in the form of letters, doodles, bullet points or anything I wanted it to be.
Journaling is helpful for a number of reasons, just to list a few:
1) We gain a Birdseye view of our lives and emotions. There's nothing like the passage of time and shifting perspectives to help us understand our inner workings better.
2) Expression is the first part of healing. One of my favorite Mr. Rogers quotes is, "Anything that is mentionable is manageable." Just writing about bad days and traumas is helpful for processing.
3) Right brain, left brain connection. When we write and draw out our inner worlds and our brains begin to process our experiences differently. This practice can help connect our logical thinking brain with the creative feeling brain. Results? Increased connection and resiliency!
3. Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown
This book is exactly what the title says it is. Brené Brown and her team of researchers have masterfully crafted an Atlas of the Heart. This book is like an encyclopedia of emotions. Brené connects straight to the heart with her vulnerability and bravery. This isn't a text book, but Atlas of the Heart has become an instruction manual for my emotions; helping me not to just understand the emotions I'm feeling but also how to use them to inform my decisions.
4. Body Scan
Our culture is a quick paced one (Understatement) and when we're moving at lightning speed rushing from activity to activity there's little time for our hearts to catch up with our bodies. Taking 2-3 minutes for a body scan is a way of allowing ourselves the time to check in with our bodies and recognize the emotions that are being stored inside.
In a study of 700 participants, Dr. Lauri Nummenmaa systematically mapped out the different places in the body where we experience emotions and the physical sensations correlated to each of those emotions. To gain awareness of our emotions it can be helpful to develop mindfulness around our bodies. This bodily wisdom leads us to a more nuanced understanding of the physical sensations that arise when experiencing emotion. With practice, body scans can help us to spot emotions faster. Which allows us time to choose how to respond rather than react to what's happening around us.
The body scan is a meditation where you examine your body and its physical sensations in a systematic way, part by part.
How to do it:
To get started, find a quiet place to sit where you won’t be interrupted- in a pinch a closet or car will do. Close your eyes and spend a moment in silence setting your intention to listen to what your body has to tell you.
Start with your head, placing your attention at the top and feeling any sensation that might be there, no matter how small. Slowly move your attention down your scalp, and the features of your face. Very slowly observe any and all physical sensations as you’re scanning. Work your way through your body from the head and face to the neck and shoulders, doing the same observing. Continue down the front and back of your body separately by moving down your torso then starting again from your back move all the way from your shoulders to your pelvis. Next scan from your waist down, gently noticing any tension in your, scanning downwards finally ending at your feet and toes. At this point allow your attention to drape over your entire body. Notice any physical sensations or emotions that arise.
Next relate your emotions to any sensations you've noticed. (Example: my churning stomach was related to my anxiety, my hot face to my anger) Focusing on the physical sensations of the emotions, rather than the idea of it, helps identify that emotion faster in real life.
5. Welcome the Emotions without Judgement
The last one may be the hardest to learn but the most beneficial skill to practice. Our emotions are gifts to inform us of the longings of our heart and the aching of our souls.
Karla McLaren has a podcast episode called The Gift of ALL emotions, Including Depression I can't recommend it highly enough.
Karla is an award-winning author, social science researcher, and educator whose empathic approach to emotions informs her studies of sociology, anthropology, neurology, and cognitive psychology. In Karla's episode she talk's about the questions we can ask our emotions to determine their cause and the course of action they are suggesting us to take.
Embracing the full range of human emotions—even ones we may think are unpleasant enables us to live a fuller, healthier life. So welcome sadness, welcome curiosity, welcome concern... what do you have to teach me today?
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